Committing by design

It started like everything else; attraction based on looks and height, in addition to the essentials from personality and intelligence. After meeting his mind which challenged mine and after falling for him, many things that mattered before.. became irrelevant. He fell ill with a tick-borne encephalitis, an advanced symptom of which could be losing the ability to make children, to put politely. Even though that side of things was maybe a big reason why I wanted to meet the breadwinner, I didn’t care. It was pleasing enough for me to dive into his soul and eat his home-made split bread. This showed me how true feelings interfered with my demanding checklist that I never written yet always followed.

Our stories were everything innocent, humorous, emotional and humane. Nothing like my brief encounters of men who come and go and the resulting reluctance of my passions that rise and fall. However, we never made it to commitment because of our disparate religious views. He didn’t want our children to be Muslims — with a capital ‘M’- but didn’t mind them growing up muslims in every aspect of our envisioned lifestyle. We, laughingly, agreed that I raise the girls to grow like me and he raises the boys to grow like me :-) Despite the grand conflict that lead to our separation, I was relieved, in a way, to hear of the hypothetical children who disputed my suspicion about his illness!

To my own surprise, I have progressed over the years to become brave enough to declare my wish for falling in love and not committing by design, and have realised that true feelings can change shallowness and challenge rigidity. That shallowness, nonetheless, has been retained in his absence and the checklist reappeared with his disappearance. An experience of failing to climb a cultural fence, on the other hand, has added more to my depth and made me succeed in reenforcing my values.

These cultural and religious barriers that made me fall between the worlds, are the same reason behind my tolerance and also the lack of it. Dating non-Muslims has enforced my tolerance, or at least my discovery of having the virtue. However, when it comes to Muslim men who aren’t virtuously observant, I tend to have strong opinions. In the face of my apparent open-mindedness, I am unafraid of often making quite severe value strictures on men from my own culture who judge me for judging them.